one miscalculation

by cerissadival

I met him once, maybe a few times and his name was very common to me,easy to remember. His face was unforgettable and I cannot tell you why. Maybe it was his lips or his chiseled jaw line. 

I didn’t like his aura. He was funny, but there was somewhere  in him a miscalculation that I could not discover but could easily be detected. I felt he was bright but did not allow himself to shine. He was so absorbed somewhere in himself, sometimes he forgot about others and sometimes he forgot to be emotional. He was so out of reach with his emotions. I still could not tell why. 

He told me what he wanted from life, what he needed and what he despised. I think I loved his sentimental side but once hurt, his feelings dissolved into nothing but anger that flew from his heart. I still could not tell why and I could sit here for hours wondering why he could be so cold when I knew him not to be, but I decided I could not. An investment of my own being was not worth saving another to screw myself over. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it’s only selfish because I was once so generous. 

Sometimes we talk. I distanced myself from his touch and from his conversations, I often tried to avoid him. But sometimes, I just let it slip. In class, I’ll take in every physical detail trying to correlate his outside body language to his inside emotion. Wondering how and why, wondering when and where everything went wrong. My attraction fell to my lack of attraction, I wanted to know why.

Maybe it was the fact that he wanted dominance yet I was so controlling. I need my control. I need control of myself, not him and if I gave him myself then I would be know where near independence. I was nothing but independent, no one could strip that from me. From time to time, he’ll assume what I’m thinking. I do not like that. I’m a free thinking and untamed heart, you can never tell what’s on my mind and if you guess,you’re probably wrong and I’m  not sorry for that. 

I knew him, he told me all about him but I still could not place him, could not understand him. I realized, I didn’t have to. That was it.